Married Like Jesus -- It's the Little Stuff

We have a split level house with bathrooms downstairs and kids' rooms open down the hallway. We have something new this week called fidget field—the fenced in area outside with a radio so you can hear the message out there. If you have little ones who are having a hard time sitting still, you can take them out there and they won't bother anyone, but you can still hear.

Welcome to all of you inside this morning, and welcome to all of you outside under the tent. We're doing a series on marriage, and I've been hesitant about this. I don't like doing series that target a particular group of the congregation. I did a series on singleness last year which really applies to everybody, and in the same way, this applies to everybody. We're all in Scripture married to Christ. We are the bride of Christ, so this really is a series about relationships. We're looking through Ephesians 4, 5, and 6 as we go through that. You can find our passage in your worship guide.

Marriage on Television vs. Reality

Marriage on TV is often not depicted very well. Marriages are kind of cartoonish, especially husbands—they often come off looking like doofuses. But one exception to that was the TV show Friday Night Lights. It's about a coach and his wife in Texas. The coach, Eric, is called to be the head coach of Dillon football, and his wife Tammy is first the guidance counselor and later becomes the principal of the school. What's actually one of the most compelling things about the show is the marriage between Eric and Tammy. It's just so real and refreshing and super engaging.

In season one, there's this scene where Eric invites the entire football team over for a barbecue at their house without asking Tammy. She finds out about it and is not super thrilled, but she goes ahead and starts setting up. There's a scene where they've had all the team over and there's a spill in the middle of the party. They both run and grab towels, and it goes underneath the table. The two of them end up underneath the table cleaning up the mess together, and they have this conversation. This is what Tammy says to him:

Honey, I threw a party for over a hundred people in two days. I did it with no help and I'm cleaning up after your football stars who, by the way, happen to be pigs. I'm doing it and I'm not gonna pretend to like it. Not right now. Not down here. But when I get up there, I'll give you a big smile, right? Just like I know you need. But down here, I am pissed and I'm going to stay down here until I can go back up there and give you a big smile, alright?

What I love about that scene and their marriage is it's just so real. That's ordinary life. That's where people actually live. We have a lot of above the table, like everything looks great above the table for a lot of us. A lot of our relationships look great when you're above the table. But when you go down under the table, it's a different story. That's true for all of us.

The Significance of Ordinary Moments

I want to think about ordinary moments this morning. One of the hard things about ordinary moments is that they're ordinary—they happen all the time. They're also ordinary moments because we think that God's not involved. They're moments when it's like, sure, I guess I could pray about this, but does God care about this? This is just a little thing. It seems like in a lot of places, God doesn't care or is not involved. God's kind of irrelevant to the ordinary stuff.

Another reason ordinary moments are ordinary is we don't expect things to change in them. I think for many people, we become accustomed or even indifferent after a while, apathetic. Every relationship, and particularly in a marriage relationship, has its disappointments and sadnesses and ways where we sort of miss each other. You sort of get used to it. And one of the dangerous things about that is not like, oh no, somebody's ripe for an affair.

This friendship is falling apart. What's actually really concerning is that's a place where you don't see how God could ever be involved. He seems irrelevant. You know, what we want in life are the big moments. We want big moments. We want the moments you take pictures of and you could put up on the wall and you're like, this is the moment when everything changed and got better. Right, we love big moments but so often in the Bible, sure God does some big moments. You know, on the road to Damascus. Saul's converted but a lot of times, it's the small. It's the Israelites on the trek every day going to the promised land. God's at work in the little moments. That's what we're going to look at this morning from Ephesians.

If you'll turn to the scripture there in your bulletin, we in our church, we like to read this out loud together. So, we're going to read this morning from Ephesians chapter four verses 17 through 24 and we'd ask you if you would read aloud together. You ready? Three, two, one.

Now, I, this I say and testify in the Lord that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardness of heart. They have become callous and they've even given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity but that is not the way you learned Christ. Assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him as the truth is in Jesus to put off your old self which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds and to put on the new self created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. — Ephesians 4:17-24

Would you pray with me? Father, we pray this morning as we open your word, you'd open our hearts. Lord, we need you. We're vaguely aware of that this morning but Lord, your word tells us over and over how much we need you and we pray Father, we would connect with that in a deep and profound way this morning and in a way that leaves us changed. We pray this in Christ's name. Amen.

The Significance of Ordinary Moments

So, ordinary moments is all we're reading about really in the book of Ephesians. I want to highlight there's one little word that we read in this passage that's like the chain of the necklace. Did you put all the little beads on? It's the word "walk." This is throughout the book of Ephesians. So, we read this here but walk is in Ephesians 2:2 and 2:10 and 4:1 and here at 4:17, 5:1, 5:2, 5:8, and 5:15.

Now, why am I pointing that out? Because walk is so ordinary. You walk everywhere. You get up in the middle of the night to walk to the bathroom. Like, you don't even think about your walking. And walking is generally not sexy, right, unless you're on a runway somewhere showing off clothes. It's generally just a normal part of your life. You walk places. And so Paul's writing here when he's talking about our walk—about the ordinary life moments—that's what he's doing. So he says things like this: be careful how you walk. Walk in love. Walk in the way of Christ. Don't walk like you don't know God anymore. Walk in the calling you receive from God. This tells us, God cares about the ordinary moments, the little things, the little things.

I love Annie Dillard. She's a writer. She says this in her book, The Writing Life: "How we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives. What we do at this hour and that one is really what we're doing." Again, the little things, not the big ones. Ordinary moments become extraordinary moments when we recognize their opportunities to see God in the picture and understand how Jesus meets us in a place in our ordinary relationships. He cares about those things intimately.

The Power of Small Changes

So, here's my big idea for today if you take notes: the little stuff. Little stuff often. That's really my big idea. Little stuff often. Small things often. Small things over time create big change.

Maybe you've heard this before. You know, if you're going somewhere and you pull out your compass and you're off by one degree on the compass, right? After a hundred yards, that's not that much. That's 5.2 feet. Off by just a little bit. After a mile though, you're off by 92.9 feet. That's getting more significant. If you're traveling from San Francisco to LA and you get off by one degree, you'll be off by six miles. If you're going from San Francisco to Washington DC, and you're off by one degree, you end up in Baltimore. You don't end up in DC—42 miles away. And if you did that traveling around the globe from San Francisco all the way around to Baltimore, you'd end up in Boston by one degree. If you're going on a rocket to the moon and you're off by one degree, you end up being 4,169 miles off. If you're going to the sun, you're off by 1,600,000 miles.

And traveling to the nearest star, you'd be off course by 441,000,000,000 miles. Like little things over a long time. Just being off a little bit can mean you're way off over time, a long way. But here's the good news. The opposite is also true. The opposite is also true. It works the other way. Small things, little changes over time can make a big difference.

So here's my outline. If you're a note taker, really easy. Ready? Off on in. Off, on, in. Off, on, in. Okay? That's what we're doing this morning. Those all come from verses 20 to 24.

This is not the way you were in Christ. Assuming you have heard about him and were taught in him as the truth is in Jesus to put off, that's the first one, your old self which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires to be renewed in, that's the end part, the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self created after the likeness of God and true righteousness and holiness. — Ephesians 4:20-24

Now, I'm going to apply this on two levels this morning. Real simple. First, how do you grow in your relationship with God? It's kind of like, we gotta get that. But second is, how do we grow in our relationships with one another? And it's the same outline. Off on in. Okay.

So, let's look at these. Paul is using an analogy of changing clothes. Take off the old clothes that don't fit with who you are. They don't match your new identity in Jesus and put on clothes that match. Put on attitudes and behaviors. And here's what you need to know about this passage: Paul is writing to a church of people who are not Jewish. They're not from the chosen people of Israel and they are Gentiles, non-Jews by ethnicity and religion. And he's telling them, this is what it means to know God. This is what it means to have a life in God.

This is what he tells them:

You were dead in your trespasses and sins. — Ephesians 2

Now, he doesn't say, you were sick, you were weak, and you need a little help. You were struggling and God came to kind of push you the rest of the way. No, he says, you were dead. But God—and I've told you before, this is the one tattoo I want on my body. The two words: but God.

But God, who's rich in mercy because of the great love with which he loved us made us alive together with Christ. You've been, by grace, you've been saved and raised us up with him. That is not your own doing. It's the gift of God. — Ephesians 2

Now, this is what he's saying. Look, dead people can't improve. Dead people can't make themselves any better. If you go to a dead person and say, okay, I want you to take off some old behaviors and put on new ones, dead people, one, are not gonna hear you, right? They're not gonna respond to you and they definitely can't put on anything or walk in anything.

And this is really important because lots of people think this is what the Christian life is. I do good things and I stop doing bad things. Look, look, look—before you can even do anything, you are spiritually dead apart from Christ and it starts with what he does. God has to make you alive in Jesus. If you don't have a relationship with Jesus today or if you think you're here and you're like, here to finally turn it around this morning, you can't do it. You look like you're alive, you feel alive, it's springtime outside, but really we're spiritually dead apart from him. You need God to make you alive.

And this is what then Paul calls them to. If you've been made alive, put on things that match the new life. Put on new clothes. Put off the old stuff and put on the new stuff.

Now, look, Susan and I, we've raised six boys. We're still in process, okay? We're still working on that. But we're in the process of raising six boys and showers are a big deal and specific directions around showers are a big deal raising boys, right? So you know, they go in, you have to ask, did you use soap? Did you use shampoo on your hair? Right? Like, that kind of stuff. And then, did you put on clean clothes? Because this is kind of Paul's illustration. If you go take a shower and you're all clean and you put on the dirty clothes you had before, it sort of cancels out the shower like it's not doing you any good. You need to put on clean clothes that match your new clean condition. That's what Paul's saying to them.

You, if you are a believer in Jesus, you have had a blood bath given to you by God. Now, that's a gross analogy but that is the truth. We are bathed in the blood of Jesus. That's what makes us clean. We are made clean in him. Our sins are washed away. We sing this all the time. Man, this is one of our favorite things to sing because it's such good news. And Paul is saying, look, I want you to put on clothes that match the new shower, the new bath you've had, right? You're clean. Learn to live like the new you that's been cleansed.

So, put off.

Put off. Take off the old things. Since you have put your faith in Jesus Christ, you're not merely like a new creation. You are a new creation. You are. Put off what doesn't match the old life.

Now, this is in the ordinary. I love how an old writer said this. He said what is putting off? It's the avoidance of little evils and little sins, little inconsistencies, little weaknesses, little foibles, little indiscretions and imprudences, little indulgences of self and of flesh. Little acts of indolence or indecision or slovenliness—your favorite word, mine, right? We say it all the time—or cowardice, little equivocations or aberrations from integrity, little touches of shabbiness or meanness, little indifferences to the feelings of other people, little outbreaks of temper or crossness or selfishness or vanity. The avoidance of such little things that goes so far to make up at least the negative beauty of a holy life. Take off those things and put on what matches the new life in Jesus.

One writer, Paul Tripp, says it this way: How can you establish a godly character, a legacy? 10,000 little moments of humble submission. 10,000 little moments of foolishness exposed and wisdom gained. 10,000 moments of sin confessed and sin forsaken. 10,000 moments of courageous faith, little things. 10,000 moments of forsaking the kingdom of self and running toward the kingdom of God.

See, put off, put on, and then the last one in: Be renewed in the spirit of your mind. I think this is key because otherwise this sounds like, man, how am I going to do this? Be renewed in the spirit of your minds. It tells us the power of God for how we can begin to take off things that don't match and put on things that do after the shower we've had in Jesus.

Be Renewed in the Spirit of Your Mind

This phrase, be renewed in the spirit of your minds, is over and over in the Bible. So I'm going to call your attention to it. Fill your mind with things that are spiritual and heavenly.

Second Corinthians tells us as Paul says:

We don't lose heart. Our outer nature is wasting away but our inner nature is being renewed day by day. Why? Because we look not to the things that are seen but to things that are unseen. For what is seen are transient but the things that are unseen are eternal. — 2 Corinthians 4

He's like, think on what is unseen.

In Colossians two, he says:

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you have died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. — Colossians 3

Set your mind on what is lasting and permanent.

In Ephesians one, Paul prays for us, in the eyes of our hearts, that they would be enlightened. He says this:

So that we might know the hope to which Christ has called us. What are the riches of his glorious inheritance? What's the immeasurable greatness of his power? — Ephesians 1

Why does he want us to see that with the eyes of our hearts? He wants us to see that because that's what renews our minds in purpose. Filling ourselves with God's power and purpose.

And finally, Ephesians three, he prays:

That we might have power to comprehend with all the saints the height and length and breadth and depth, know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge and we may be filled with the fullness of God. — Ephesians 3

Here's my question for you. Are you filling yourself up with this? Are you being renewed? Are you taking action to set your mind on things that are above? To remember, oh yeah, this isn't all there is. My life is filled with worries this week and concerns and they wear me down. I mean, don't you feel this way? We're kind of beaten up and we drag in here. I'm like, man, I hope that somebody says something hopeful this morning because I need it and so do you. We need to be renewed and we need to renew ourselves with this mind of Jesus. Renewed in our minds.

Now, if that's true in your relationship with God, this is also true in your relationship with one another. The same things that help you grow off on in are also true in our relationships with one another. And again, I'm trying to apply things for us in super concrete ways. Relationships. Yes, marriage, but you can apply all these things in friendship, in relationships with your roommates, in relationships with your parents, people you live with, people you're close to. This is how relationships change.

Small things often. Not the big stuff, not the photo moments from the anniversary or the wedding or that great beach trip, but the little things. What's said over coffee in the morning or not said? The way we treat one another just driving in the car. This is where change happens. Off, on, in.

And this morning, you know, I'm not going to talk a whole lot about off. We'll do more of that next week and I think you could probably know things you need to put off in your relationships.

Probably you're very aware of the things you need to put off, but we're not as aware or creative about what we put on in our relationships. So I'm going to focus on what we put on and then be renewed in. That's my application this morning.

Here's what I want you to put on: this phrase. And if you have a piece of paper or a phone, I want you to write this down: Bids for connection.

There's a researcher and counselor named John Gottman. He and his wife are out in Seattle, and they have done statistical research over thirty years studying marriages. They've done extensive analysis. They're not Christians—it's a Jewish couple—but they've done lots of statistical analysis over the years trying to figure out what makes relationships last and what makes some not last. This is especially true in marriage.

They actually have a center where they do all their studying, and it's kind of Seattle, so just hang with this. They call it the Love Lab. A little cheesy, but you know, Seattle—we'll give them that. They do counseling and research out of this, and you know what they found?

What's the difference between couples in marriage that go the distance and the ones that don't? Well, it's actually not that much about how much negativity there is in the relationship. They studied this and found that couples that don't make it only have slightly more negativity with one another—like 1.25 times more. I told you it's research, right? Lots of numbers here.

But here's what they found: the couples that make it and go the distance have a ratio of five to one of positivity to negativity in their relationship, even in the middle of a disagreement. That's crazy to me. That means that positivity in a relationship, putting on things that build up a relationship over time, really matters even more than the amount of negativity in a relationship.

The Emotional Bank Account

See what this means? You could think of a relationship like a bank—an emotional bank that you make regular deposits into and withdrawals from. When you build up goodwill, it's like building up your balance. When you have an argument or a fight, you miss each other, you say something mean—that's like a withdrawal.

We all have moments in our closest friendships and relationships with people we live with—parents, kids, friends, and especially spouses. We all have moments where we're insensitive, we're thoughtless, we say mean things that we don't really mean to say. But here's what he says: relationships can handle those moments. Those temporary withdrawals don't destroy the relationship if there's a regular pattern of putting on, of building into a relationship with a positive bank balance.

And this is what he says, and it's so simple it's almost stupid for me to share this morning, but just bear with me: one of the simplest "put on" behaviors is recognizing and responding to what he calls bids for connection.

Bids for Connection

Bids for connection are those dozens of ordinary moments where we can be fairly zoned out, not paying attention. These are opportunities for either turning toward one another or turning away from each other. Turning toward or turning away. That's why it's called a bid. Somebody is like, "Hey." And you either respond positively or you ignore it or turn away from it. Either move toward or away. A lot of these flow by unnoticed because they happen all the time.

Let me give you this example: these little moments and how we respond to them are like saving quarters. Anybody have a big jar full of quarters? When I was a kid I had a big giant jar full of quarters. You know, saving quarters doesn't go very far in a short period of time. But over a long time you get a jar full of quarters—it adds up. When you keep adding quarters to the jar, small things, putting on in our relationships, it makes a big difference.

We're going to do a little interactive activity this morning. I'm going to give you three vignettes and ask you: is this an example of someone turning toward the other person or turning away? I'm not expecting a verbal response, okay? Though you know this—we're that kind of church. You gotta talk to me.

Alright. Partner number one: "Isn't that a beautiful boat?" Partner number two: no response, keeps reading the newspaper. Turning toward or away? Away.

Let's do this again. Partner number one: "Hey, isn't that a beautiful boat?" Partner number two pulls down the newspaper: "Yeah, looks like one of those old schooners." Turning toward or away? Toward.

Just acknowledging. I heard you. It's a schooner. Is that a really important conversation in that relationship? It doesn't seem like it, does it? It's not about the bills. It's not about where our job might change—little moments, right?

Let's try another one. Partner number one: "That jerk at work, Fred. He didn't show up until really late. I got stuck in traffic. I'm sorry I'm late." Partner number two: "Why are you always bringing up Fred? I'm so tired of hearing about Fred. Who cares about Fred? You're late again and trying to blame it on Fred."

Turning toward or away? Good. You guys got this right.

So let's try that same scenario again. Partner number one: "That jerk at work, Fred, didn't show up until really late. I got stuck in traffic. I'm sorry I'm late." Partner number two: "That sounds super frustrating. I'd love to ring his neck." Partner number one: "Me too." Partner number two: "I'm kind of upset you didn't call me and let me know, and now dinner is cold." Partner number one: "You're right. I should have called. I'm sorry." Partner number two: "We've talked about that before." Partner number one: "I know. I guess I was so absorbed in being mad at him, I completely forgot about calling. I'm really sorry. How about we go out?" Partner number two: "Wow. That would be great."

Turning toward or away? Toward.

Last one. Partner number one: "I had the most disturbing dream last night." Partner number two: "I don't have time for this right now."

Turning toward or away? Away. Good.

You guys are getting this, right? Let's try it again. Partner number one: "I had the most disturbing dream last night." Partner number two: "I wish I could hear about that right now. Unfortunately, I'm kind of late. Can you remember it? Can we talk about it afterward tonight?"

Turning toward or away? Toward.

The Power of Turning Toward

See, those are attempts at engagement or emotional bids or just any little effort on the part of one partner to connect with the other one. One saying, "Hey, I'm here"—and it's not big stuff, but it's little things that say, "I see you. Hey, you matter. You're important to me." It could be eye contact. It could be nodding your head. It can be acknowledgement. It's just the little stuff.

And you don't have to be great at this. You don't even have to pick up on 75% of these, but just picking up on some of them really matters in our relationships. It really, really matters.

Again, nothing unique to marriage. This is just the special sauce of relationships, right? Putting on simple things that matters. We all have twenty-four hours in a day. How we connect or fail to connect in those little ordinary moments that don't seem like they matter—turning toward a person or turning away—is the stuff. This is the stuff that says to another person, "I see you. You matter to me. You're important." And the other person's asking, "Hey, are you here with me? Do I matter to you?" And you're responding. You're giving them a metaphorical yes by this.

Again, how do you find the power to do this? Here's one more thing. Every person you know who's a Christian will one day be a glorified version of themselves. This is how you be renewed in your mind. Every person you know who's a Christian will one day be a glorified version of themselves—a person that if you met them now would be so beautiful and so compelling, so interesting, so glorious. I mean every bit of that word. You would be tempted to worship them. That's what C.S. Lewis says. You would be so stunned. And right now, that person looks kind of overweight and dowdy and boring, right? That's the truth.

But here's the thing: if we have eyes that are set on eternity and we're heavenly minded and we're being renewed in the spirit of our mind, one of the greatest things we have in our relationships is the power to imagine. The power to say, "This person—I have in my relationship the power to help this person become what God is making them to be in eternity. I have the power to build up and put on and engage in such a way that says, 'You matter.'"

And you know what happens? You imagine one day I'm going to stand beside you in eternity in glory and say, "I knew it. I knew this is what you were going to be like."

Sometimes in our relationship, it was really cloudy. I couldn't see the new you. I just saw lots of the old you—lots of the bad habits and lots of the ways that you struggle to deal with your sin. But sometimes there's some days when those clouds just parted just a little bit, and I could see a little glimpse of the new you. And it gives me just such encouragement to keep going, to keep hoping, to keep imagining.

Brothers and sisters, God is taking us toward a glorious future that we can't imagine and we're surrounded by eternal beings every day. The people that you walk with and talk with and work with, the people who sleep in the next room or in the same bed—that is an eternal being. That is a person made in God's image who, if they know Jesus, have been given a blood bath and they are becoming a new you which you cannot imagine. And yet you can help beautify this. This is a picture for us of why marriage matters, why our relationships matter, what we're even doing in all these little ordinary moments.

May God give us grace to have our minds set on things that are above.

Prayer

Let's pray together. Lord, we pray. Lord, it's hard for us to imagine this. This seems ethereal and far off, especially in those ordinary moments. Lord, give us grace this week to just respond once or twice differently to others around us or teach us how to love. We're not really good at it. We've spent years thinking we were really good at it, but Lord, we're finding out how much more we need you. Lord, help us this week to put off, to put on, and be renewed in. We pray this in Christ's name. Amen.