A Faith Worth Sharing: Kickoff Session (Part 3)

But I wanted us to get thinking about how friendships happen and what makes a friend. So let's start with the fun, easy answers, then go a little harder. What is a friend?

C.S. Lewis talks about this in the book The Four Loves. A friend is somebody that you have this response of: "You love this thing too." It can grow from there, but a true friendship always starts with this recognition that we love something in common, and then goes from there. You gotta have that common ground.

But let's go to the highest levels of definition of friendship. What is it?

Somebody that sees you. I like that. Keep going. Somebody shows up for you even if you can't show up for them. So you're not worrying about being reciprocal. If they need you, you're there. Allowing yourself to be seen. Vulnerability. I like it. Someone who will sacrifice for you. Choosing to care about something.

Okay. So all those great things you just said here—what does it look like for the friendships you already have with lost people to activate those realities? Instead of thinking friendship from a selfish standpoint, what does it look like for you, as you're enjoying Jesus, to provide those things for that person? To be vulnerable with them. To be ultimately concerned about them. To sacrifice for their behalf. To show up for them when they really need you even if you get nothing out of it for a while. See where I'm going with this?

This is the hard thing about the Bible. We use a ton of words we don't have definitions for. Someone recently discovered my secret sauce after I took him through a week of training. He's like, "Real, all you do is make us define words in the Bible and then put a plan to it." I was like, "Yep. That's pretty much all I do."

So we're gonna build friendships. How are you activating those friendships? Do you see how this is more art than science? This is art, not science. Because God's given you these friendships. They don't know Jesus. He has put you in their life. They are the mission now. How are you gonna love them into the kingdom of heaven? How will you be a world-class friend?

Now, it's weird that I had to say that out loud, but as I'm hearing my own voice, I'm convicted of this: I have not been a good friend to this guy or that guy or this guy. It's hard, isn't it? Because then you have to carve out time for them, and you have to make it a priority, and it means you don't do other cool things that you like. That's why you need fellowship—because you need that workout buddy that's related to evangelism that helps you stay on mission. See how this works?

How are you building those friendships? Friendship is absolutely essential. So let's go back to this. You have this awesome prayer system where you're praying for people together and individually. You're preaching the gospel to yourself and having a heart full of Jesus, which means you're seeing lost people that you know in your life as your ultimate concern—their coming into the kingdom of heaven. You're building thoughtful connections with people God puts in your life. Some of those connections are developing into friendships, and now you are all in those friendships. You are investing your life in them just the way Jesus invested his life in you. And when you have those kinds of friendships, you can start actually influencing them in the gospel.

How Should We Speak?

The Bible talks about being pleasing and acceptable, which is basically gracious, and then season, which is basically thought-provoking and amusing. A lot of times when people see "let your speech always be gracious and seasoned," they think this means sharing the gospel. That's actually the next verse. This has nothing to do with sharing the gospel. This is like the gospel coming out of you in normal speech.

My wife always hates me putting attention to her, but I still haven't found the best story. She's like, "Give me the eyes. Stop talking about me." It's easier when you're not in the room because then I can just talk about you more.

Going back to when we lived in Chapel Hill, these two particular friends—one of them in particular—just started spending a lot more time with Kim. Her boys lined up perfectly. It was fun to watch them go from parallel play to actually being friends. And so Kim and this young woman were just inseparable. They spent so much time together. It was really fun.

And then I remember one point, this woman was talking to Kim and saying, "You're like the nicest, goodest person I know." And Kim was like, "What on earth are you talking about?"

I literally talk about all my shortcomings and sin with you. She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're still like the nicest person that I know. What was interesting about Kim and this relationship is she never pushed the gospel. And starting that relationship was really hard. She was married to a church planner, and we lived on Pope Road. It was so weird. So when introducing herself, she always avoided talking about what I did and where we lived. But at some point, her friend was like, that is really weird that your husband's a pastor and you live on Pope Road. But so she actually intentionally just loved this woman as much as she could, did not try to take the conversation to the gospel, but didn't hide her faith. So she might mention something she read, but then she changes the subject herself. Maybe every tenth Sunday, I might have said something. She might have mentioned that, and then she just changed the subject and keep moving on. So she's dropping little pebbles. But the most important thing she did was not look for intellectual things she could say about Jesus. She was just sharing her life. She saw Kim repent and believe. She saw Kim deal with her real failings and her real hardship. Kim had so many health issues during that time period. I remember Kim going, I think God's trying to teach you something with me being sick. I really need to figure this out. So it was pretty painful for her.

And so it's interesting. Watching that relationship was really instructive to me. Step one, what is your plan for cultivating a gospel-shaped life? See, if you're enjoying the gospel, you're gonna be repenting all the time. If you're enjoying the gospel, it's gonna create real humility in your life. If you're enjoying the gospel, you're gonna be okay talking vulnerably about what's going well and not going well in your life.

The worst thing that happened from Christianity over the last twenty years, especially in the late nineties and early two thousands, is evangelism became all about having a cleaned up life and trying to attract people to the beauty of how awesome you are. I think that actually works against evangelism. The best thing in evangelism is like, hey, I'm just as broken and messed up as you, but look what I have in Christ. It's even better when they see it. So when they see your brokenness but also see joy, that gets their attention. When they see you suffer and see actual hope, that gets their attention. See how that works?

And so how are you called to be like the gospel yourself? Two, how might you skillfully repent and believe with humble confidence around your friends? Now this is the interesting thing. The thing Kim had in common with her two friends is they all were pseudo helicopter moms. Not complete helicopter moms, but maybe if there's a continuum on the overprotective side. You know, any overprotective moms in the room? There's a half a hand behind you, honey. So here's the cool thing. As she was repenting out loud about that, guess who was like, me too? Her friends. So as they were commiserating about being a little too protective with their kids, they actually have that in common. So Kim repenting and believing out loud with her friends didn't hurt her evangelism. It helped her evangelism.

So how might you skillfully repent? Hey, if you have control issues and so does your lost friends, maybe you wanna talk about it. If you're a big people pleaser and so are your friends, maybe you wanna talk about it. Are any of you overly ambitious and oriented towards success? Yes. You probably have friends like that. You want to repent about that all the time. So as you talk about your deeper heart motivations in non-weird ways—I'm not saying I want to repent for being too successful. No, that's weird. But you know, you could talk about like, for me, as I've gone through seasons being way too ambitious and success oriented, as my wife could attest to, I was gone too much. I was working too late. And so as I was hanging out with friends going, man, I've been traveling too much. I'm not dialed in at home. They're like, dude, me too. And then it got into a really serious conversation real fast. But that started with me just repenting in non-weird ways that they could resonate with, which then led into an interesting conversation. See how that works?

Alright. So you wanna repent and believe skillfully. Wherever there's shared idolatry, start there. Does that make sense? Now I can do this because you're a gospel-centered church, and every other Sunday, Jeff talks about heart idolatry. So this is great. So as you've learned to deal with your heart idols, just do that with your lost friends thoughtfully.

Alright. Step three.

What specifically would be gracious for outsiders that God has given for you? What would specifically be gracious? I think the reason this one particular lady said that Kim was so kind and good, even though Kim was like, what are you talking about? Is that she was vulnerable to Kim or whatever areas in her life, Kim just extended the gospel to her. She just kept being gracious and kind. Now you can't fake that. That's cultivating your walk with Jesus. But as you experience the gospel, you can give it away to others. And man, that is the most enticing, irresistible thing you can do. To be a non-judgmental, enjoyable, grace-giving follower of Jesus in their life.

The thing that turns lost people away from Jesus is judgmental Christians. The thing that attracts them to Jesus is someone who has grace in their life and loves giving it away. See how that works? So if you're hanging out with lost friends all the time and you're enjoying Jesus and giving away the gospel, it's amazing how people start coming to Christ. Do you see how you can do all of that and never share the gospel? That's what softens people to Jesus. There's a reason Paul did that verse before he does the sharing the gospel verse. You need to influence them in the gospel before you share the gospel with them.

Sometimes people like it sounds a little trite, but you need to earn the right to share the gospel. Yeah. And the best way to earn the right is radically love them as a friend and then shower them with grace. You're not the only one walking around in shame, humiliation, and guilt. They are just as much as you are. And as you're dealing with your guilt and shame and humiliation of your shortcomings, and giving grace to yourself and giving grace to them and theirs, it's amazing how that actually opens real opportunities for gospel conversation.

Navigating Conviction and Witness with Loved Ones

Yes, Josh. This slide may be something you're going to address in your point. Like, where do you see room for kind of my Christian life directly, and I'm just going to use the partial word, condemning the sin of another friend's life? Like, I'm looking at my nine people. I have a current acquaintance who is a man who is married to another man, claims to be a Christian, but he's somebody I'd like to be closer to. I've got a coworker who is living in an open lesbian relationship. Yeah. If I do what you're describing and like I'm actually, we're drawing closer to these folks. The closer my wife and I get to these people, I mean like there's—I have a former friendship that literally just never moved closer because as soon as it became apparent that I was a Christian, he wanted nothing.

Yeah. Yes. Like, at what point is there? This group like, oh, well actually we do believe that God created a natural order to the world and we think that when we violate that natural order, at least the suffering, and I'm not openly telling you, because you're a gay married man, you're wrong, but obviously every part of my life rejects the way you're choosing to live your life, and you need Jesus. Like, where is there room for that in this kind of winsomeness that you describe?

Great question. Normally I do a training just on this topic all by itself because it requires tons of nuance. So I can't give a proper nuanced answer, but I think this is, in today's world, an absolute necessary thing when you talk about what that really looks like. So A, thank you for bringing that up. B, that's a real issue. I think that tangentially or directly connects to everyone in this room, and it's something you really have to address. So I'm going to give you three non-nuanced answers before we can have the nuanced conversation.

So this is like from Tim Keller and Sam Oliver. So A, radically love the person and avoid any conversation about Jesus and your faith as much as possible. Just build a friendship. It's almost like if they want to go towards your beliefs about what they do or don't do, redirect the conversation as much as you possibly can. Okay. I'm not doing the nuances. Okay.

B, in the context of radically loving them—okay, well, let me just do this narratively. When I was in Carlborough, before I said I was leaving, which definitely impacted my numbers, on any given Sunday that last six to nine months, we had anywhere from 10 to 15 people from the alternative lifestyle in the room knowing exactly what I believed. Okay. Why were they there? Because our room radically loved them. And then I even sat down with some of them going, why are you here? Like, this is really weird. And they laughed and they're like, look, Ru. I know you don't believe what I'm doing is okay, but what you're saying about Jesus is so compelling, I can't not be here.

So the Gospel is supposed to be irresistible because of its implications, and your life with them is supposed to be irresistible. So it wasn't just about me, it was about the people we had in the room and how well they loved everyone showing up.

And so sometimes we feel this need to have these declarative conversations and statements with people, and actually those statements sometimes get in the way of them discovering who Jesus is because we force the conversation too fast. If they want to have the conversation, then you've got to have the conversation. But if they're not wanting to have the conversation, you don't need to force it—just radically love them and get them around the gospel. Because the only thing that's going to change them is the gospel. The declarative conversation where I believe this, you believe this, we can't be friends anymore usually doesn't help them hearing the gospel. So you want to avoid the declarative conversation till they bring it up.

Having had those declarative conversations and seeing people still stay friends or even come to worship, when you deconstruct that, it was all built around them not feeling like projects. They felt like friends. People aren't gonna abandon a friendship because you're friends, but if they feel like you're a project, they are out. So the goal is to build real friendships, not have projects. That's not a cure all, but that's the foundation that God might actually use you in their lives.

Conversations

So that you know how you should answer each person. — Colossians 4:6

We're gonna take Paul at his word here. So you need to know, answer, anticipate. You can forecast their questions and challenges based on the relationship you already have with them. You can research those challenges, and then you can be ready to have an answer. If you build a relationship with a lost person, you know what their objections are gonna be.

So let's talk about the obvious ones. Some typical objections we hear:

• Church is trash
• Christians are hypocritical
• Why is Jesus the only way? The exclusivity of Christ
• Too much guilt
• It doesn't make scientific sense
• I don't feel anything
• It's for you, but I'm okay with that—it's not for me

Within two months of a relationship with someone, you know what their objections are without them articulating it. So why not be prepared? There are incredible resources out there.

I had the privilege of watching a guy become a follower of Jesus over a three-year relationship. It was the most moving thing I've ever been through. I knew what his questions were. He went through so much hideous suffering and experienced so much evil that he couldn't square that with Jesus. So I had to become an apologetic expert on the issue of suffering. Tim Keller had just published A Reason for God, and I memorized that chapter. When those talking points weren't enough, I asked, what did C.S. Lewis have to say about this?

This was the early 2000s. Do you know how many more amazing resources are available right now? It's unbelievable. So I'm just trying to make this super simple: define what their objections are gonna be, and then all you have to do is take advantage of all those resources and literally memorize them. I had the audios of The Reason for God, and I literally listened to it over and over and over until it was in me.

So then when he would bring up certain things, I'd be like, well, that's a very interesting thing you can throw out there. And I would just throw out something casually. He'd be like, oh, wow. Really? That's really interesting. And we'd just go back and forth.

The fun thing was, God couldn't let this guy give up on God. He shouldn't want to talk to me. So I already knew the Holy Spirit was doing something. All I needed to do was stay thoughtfully in the conversation with him. I just kept looking for new source material to talk about this guy over and over and over.

Did we talk about the suffering on earth? Yes. Did we talk about the existence of evil? Yes. Did we talk about the exclusivity of Jesus? Yes. We talked about those three things ad nauseam. I don't remember half of what I said back then, but I'm telling you, there's a two year period I was a world class expert on those three topics because I loved my friend.

So if this person's your friend and you're falling in love with them, and you know what their questions or objections are gonna be, do the work. It's actually quite edifying for yourself. This is a smart room. My hunch is you do it way faster than other churches would. Listen to the podcast, read the books, become world class experts. You don't even have to ask Jeff and James for where to go. Just Google it. There's entire ministries designed for this now. And then be ready to provide an answer.

See how this works? And here's the cool news: God's gonna save that person. You don't have to be eloquent. As you can tell, I'm pretty good on my feet, and I'm very articulate. I am always nervous in those conversations. I usually sound like an idiot when I get up there because I realize what's at stake, and God still uses me anyways. See how it works? It's not really you. You just gotta be there.

Peter talks about the same thing. Someone read this for me.

But in your hearts, honor Christ the Lord as holy. Always be prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you. Yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience so that when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. — 1 Peter 3:15-16

Real fast. What are we supposed to do? Be prepared. Be prepared. This is not my idea. This is Paul and Peter. Do you wanna go against the bedrock of the Christian church? Just be prepared. That's your job. But with gentleness and respect.

Now this is what gets me angry—rude Christians. When I see Christians not do this with gentleness and respect, I get angry with them because you're actually ruining your witness. Haven't you seen apologists that are just rude? They do more harm for the Christian faith than if they were a bumbling idiot with gentleness and respect saying some kind things along the way. I'd rather that guy be a bumbling idiot with gentleness and respect.

I think that's why everyone liked Tim Keller so much. He was just kind of like—if you listen to his sermons, you know how many times he says he's so uneloquent. But he's so gentle and kind in his thoughtfulness for the answers people have, the questions that people have. See how that works? So our job is to be prepared and to be ready to do it with gentleness and respect.

Making the Gospel Known

The passage says, "Speak the mystery of Christ so that we may know." No, so that I may make it known as I should.

When we talk about "known," it's not the best translation—it's more about making it easy going down. So how can we speak the mystery of Christ so it's easy going down? Meaning, it's contextualized to that person. It's in a way they understand.

If they have shame issues, you want to talk about the Gospel in the context of shame. If they have emptiness issues, you want to talk about how the Gospel meets their emptiness. If they have powerlessness issues, you want to talk about how the Gospel gives them power. Do you see where I'm going with this?

You're their friend at this point. You should know what their issues are. So you want to start getting creative about how you contextualize it for them. At this point, you're talking about books and movies and other things you share in common together, so you're gonna even have analogies that you all share in common.

For example, any of you ever play Codenames? Yeah. I hate playing against my daughter and my wife because they have this secret knowledge relationship with each other. They'll just say a word, and it's like boom, boom, boom, boom. No, it's wrong. That's what happens when people know each other and love each other really well. They have a secret vocabulary with each other because they know each other.

Not that you're playing Codenames when you're sharing the Gospel, but if you know them, you should be able to adapt to their world.

Going back from 1950 to say 2010, if anyone trained you to share the gospel, they're teaching you the bridge illustration. For today's world, this is harmful. If you have an opportunity to talk about the beauty of Jesus and you go to an abstract illustration on a sheet of paper, that is not helping you. It's weird. There's God, then there's man, there's a chasm, and you'll die if you fall in the chasm. But Jesus is the bridge. I mean, you may use that later on, but the most powerful tool you have that's irrefutable to actually share the gospel in a way that's compelling is your personal testimony.

Usually, when someone's interested, they actually want to hear your story first, long before they want to hear an abstract gospel presentation. If you actually share your story of Christ well, you're actually sharing the gospel along the way. The most important tool you need to have in your toolkit is your testimony.

At some point in the future, we'll have time to really workshop this out. At some point in the history of CTK, community groups will work on this exercise and actually share with each other. When I was a pastor of a church and we forced all our groups to do this, it ended up becoming everyone's favorite season of the church because they all heard each other's stories. Then everyone got to practice sharing their testimony. And so suddenly everyone in the church was armed and ready to share their story, which was pretty fun to watch.

The Four Parts of Your Testimony

Who were you? The good, bad, and the ugly. What sins and idols dominated your life? But talk about it in a way where you're not using the word sins and idols.

Jesus. How did Jesus draw you to himself? What was compelling about Jesus? For me, I talk about FCA, I talk about Coach Wheatman, and I talk about the FCA rally I went to. I talk about Julie and other Christians who just loved me really well. I talk about where one dude started—I was at an FC sports rally, and the guy did the worst fire and brimstone message ever, but that's what it took.

The gospel. How were you loved into the kingdom, and how did you hear the gospel? Your sharing doesn't end there. Keep going.

Growth and grace. How has God been changing your life? How has Jesus met you in your suffering? You've entered into a relationship with Jesus where he's with you now. The finish line is not them coming to Christ. The finish line is them joining you in the new heavens and new earth. So you're going to talk about how Jesus is presently in your life. How's God presently renewing you, and what are your hopes for the future?

If you learn to do this in five to seven minutes, it is a powerful tool. Are you conveying that you're separated from God and Jesus was a bridge and saved you at some point? Yes. Are you talking about sin and its damage? Yes. Are you talking about the beauty of Jesus and how he comes and saves and rescues sinners? Yes. Are you talking about how the Holy Spirit then invades your life and changes you and helps you with real life now? Yes. Do you see how compelling this is?

There are other things we can talk about, which we will. There are other modules on actually engaging in the gospel, having a dialogue. It's not so much a debate as being able to answer certain kinds of questions, but it usually starts with you sharing your testimony. At some point in the future, I'm going to teach you the five chapter gospel, and that's what this is actually patterned around, which will then help you with those other kinds of dialogues and questions.

Application

Sharing the gospel is essential. So look at the back of your sheet of paper—I've summarized it all for you. Here are all the categories the verse lines up with and your application question. What I'm trying to do for you is show you how simple it can be. Essentially, what you want to have is a bunch of relationships here where you're scribbling down notes. How am I making connections? What's my next step?

How I need to pray for them? Now you can do this on any kind of note taking system. But you want to have a map that you just keep going back to. And then you just want to have little reminders of what the process looks like.

So what I found helpful about this is if you get stuck anywhere around here and you have this shared tool, it allows you to quickly get in that conversation with someone. Let's pretend I'm a community group for Jeff, and Jeff is stuck with some of his friendships. But because Jeff and I have gone through his tool together, he can be like, "Hey Rude, can we get coffee? I'm stuck in one of my friendships. I want to know how to go deeper with it." And I'm like, because we had the shared experience, I'm like, "Yes."

And so we are saving hours of small talk or reorientation. I'm showing Jeff, and he's like, "Okay, let me tell you about my friend. Let me tell you how I've built a relationship. Let me tell you where I'm stuck." And then I'm brainstorming. See how this works?

So what I've discovered is churches that actually do this—where you start trying to integrate it into your life and apply it, and you have the shared vocabulary—it speeds up your ability to support each other and help solve problems. Because then what Jeff's doing is not only doing this, but he's like, "Okay, let me say it's this guy and this and it's awesome." And then usually, if Jeff invited me to have coffee with him, I'm going to say, "Well, I gotta add this guy to my prayer list now." And so now I'm praying for Jeff's friend. And then what am I going to ask Jeff the next time I see him? "Did you go with that friend? Do you have to go with that friend?" It's not that complex.

Defining "Lost"

So any questions about what we just recently covered?

Well, you said you can define the words. How do you define "lost"?

That's great. I have the answer, but let's do this collectively. What does it mean to be lost?

Not following Jesus.

Good. Keep going. Deeper.

Maybe you think you're following Jesus, but it turns out you're not.

Possibly. Especially in Raleigh.

Keep going.

Things that were good for lack of faith.

Just make it really black and white as it relates to Jesus.

Not knowing at all. No relationship. Not having a relationship with Jesus.

So how about the people that are your friends, that you know, that say, "I know Jesus, but there's not really there. I mean, we don't see Christ."

Oh, now we're talking about a real problem. See, the evangelistic at Chapel Hill—it's very bifurcated for you. But yes, we sometimes live in communities where people have history with the church, where they have different understanding of what it means to be a follower of Jesus or a Christian. And this is like, "Oh dear, what do I do?"

I think you operate with a lot of the same principles. You don't have to disagree—like, "Oh, you're a Christian or not a Christian." You believe around them, you build a friendship around them, you keep talking about Jesus working in your life, you get interested in them, just see what the Holy Spirit does.