There's No App for Peacemaking

You can find the bulletin on the screen behind me, and we're gonna read from Romans chapter 12 together. It's our practice to read God's word in unison if you're new. So if you would join your voices with mine as we read Romans twelve sixteen through 21.

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud. Instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Give careful thought to do what is honorable in everyone's eyes. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Friends, do not avenge yourselves. Instead, leave room for God's wrath because it is written, vengeance belongs to me. I will repay, says the Lord. But if you're hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in doing so, you will be heaping fiery coals on his head. Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good. — Romans 12:16-21

This is the word of the Lord. Thanks be to God.

The Beatles once gave an interview, various members of them, about why they broke up. One member said for years that people assumed there must have been some big thing that happened. And yet the story was much more common. It was a thousand tiny hurts, little resentments, unspoken hurts and wounds, ego collisions, small slights, things that were left unhealed in relationships.

By contrast, the rock band U2 has been the same four musicians since the nineteen eighties when they started off playing music in Dublin nightclubs. In an interview about why they stayed together, this is what Bono says: "The hardest thing to do is stick together. That includes mates, family, marriage, business, band. It's like resisting gravity. The alternative is too predictable. You rid the room of any arguments. You empty your life of the people that you need the most."

If I could add to Bono's list, I would add one more: church. It is hard to stick together. It's hard to be together. And that statement that Bono makes there reflects a lot of hard work that he and the band have done in order to resolve things. I love his phrase, resisting gravity. The pull is not together but away.

We know all the platitudes: time heals all wounds. I don't think so. Forgive and forget. Even that one, I don't think a lot of people do. In fact, I would be willing to say that the older you are, the more broken relationships that you have. The older that you are, the more you've seen things not be fixed. Tell me I'm wrong. I hope that I am.

We're in a series called "There's No App for That," and it's about community life. We're looking at all the one-anothering phrases of the New Testament. All the parts after all the epistles all start with the same thing: a greeting, lots of theology, and then a therefore, and then applications for how we live with one another.

And this one today we're gonna look at is this: there's no app for peacemaking. There's an app for everything else—getting dinner, ordering your groceries, entertainment, connection, dating, shopping, baking, banking, therapy, productivity. There's an app. But there's not one for healing relationships. There's not one for resolving human hostility. There's no algorithm for that. This is hard.

And I think this is where Romans 12 speaks in such a powerful way, in such a direct way into where we live every day, into our daily lives. The apostle Paul is asking, how do Christians stick together? How do we resist gravity according to Bono's words? How do we become peacemakers instead of just normal peace-breaking, peace-faking?

So this morning, my outline is very simple: on the hook, off the hook, off the chain. That's where we're going this morning.

On the Hook

Now here's the main thing with this: on the hook, you are on the hook according to Paul for peacemaking. In other words, only you can do what you can do. Only you can do what you can do. That's my version of verse 17.

If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. — Romans 12:17

Here's what we see in Romans 12. This is the pathway. Here's a recipe for peacemaking. It involves three things. And the first one is this: peacemaking requires humility.

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. — Romans 12:16, 18

The greatest obstacle to peace or restoration in our relationships, the greatest obstacle that is always our pride.

It's always our pride because every conflict has two things going on at the same time. There's what happened, and then there's my interpretation of what happened. There's the conflict, and then there's my understanding, my story about the conflict. Because humans, all of us, are interpreters. We're not robots. I have yet to see C-3PO show up to our church. No AI here. No robots here. You are all humans, which means that you interpret your world all the time. Now it's a beautiful thing when it comes to art, not such a beautiful thing when it comes to our conflicts.

Recently, I heard two people say something, two people I'm close to, and one of them said this, and I thought it was a great way of understanding it. This is what he said: "The story I'm telling myself about what happened is..." You hear that? He's saying, I've got a version of this that's playing in my head, and I know that it's not exactly probably what happened. He was admitting I've got a grid. I've got a lens. I've got a perspective that isn't infallible. And what's more, I find that my stories, my interpretations end up with me as the hero. I mean, we're really good at interpreting reality where I come out looking pretty good.

Pride says I'm obviously right. Pride says my intentions were good. Pride says they're the problem. Pride says if they would just change, everything would be fine. But Paul says, don't be wise in your own sight. When you think about yourself, are you a person who ever doubts your perspective on what happened? Do you question it? This is devastatingly practical. One of the reasons that conflict escalates is because we're so sure of our perspective. You know, pride enters the conflict saying, "How could I defend myself and show that I'm right?" Humility says, "What might I be missing? Have I contributed to this in some way? How did I come across?"

Notice Paul's realism here. He says:

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. — Romans 12:18

Now I love that. "If possible, so far as it depends on you"—it kind of puts you on the hook for some of this. Now, of course, there are situations where it's not wise to reenter into a relationship with someone who is chronically harming you. Of course. But Christians are never supposed to be the obstacle to peace in a relationship. Your responsibility isn't to fix everyone, but your responsibility is to faithfulness for what God's called you to—to seek peace. You know, some of us this morning, you come in here and you're carrying long standing grudges, invisible hurts, wounds that were not enormous, but we've allowed them to grow. We've nurtured them. We've rehearsed the wrongs. We fed them. We've protected them. And humility is the first step because humility loosens our grip on our version of the story.

Refusing Retaliation

Second part of this recipe is that peacemaking refuses retaliation. Look at verses seventeen and nineteen:

Repay no one evil for evil. — Romans 12:17

Beloved, never avenge yourselves. Leave it to the wrath of God. — Romans 12:19

The default human strategy is always retaliation. If you hurt me, I am going to hurt you. If you wound me, I'm going to wound you. Sometimes retaliation is really loud. Some of us are loud retaliators. Some of us are soft retaliators. But the heart's the same. I'm getting you back. I'm coming for you.

And retaliation, revenge looks like sarcasm, coldness, gossip, scorekeeping, passive aggressive behavior, subtle punishment. There's a group called the Gottman Institute that has done a lot of research on what makes certain marriages succeed, what almost guarantees that certain marriages fail. And they've got four warning signs of a marriage that's going to fail, and they call them the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Here are the four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Contempt involves treating a partner with disrespect or mockery—eye rolling, name calling, scoffing, sarcasm, sneering. It says, "I'm better than you." That's what contempt says.

Stonewalling occurs when one partner just withdraws—silent treatment, shuts down, stops responding, turning away, crossing arms, giving one word answers, or acting unnaturally busy during an interchange.

Criticism attacks another person's character. You know what I mean? Like, "You're so lazy and never help around the house" instead of "I feel overwhelmed when the dishes aren't done." That's criticism.

Or defensiveness. "I'm not being defensive. You're being defensive." Right? Defensiveness shifts the blame to the other person.

Now what do you have to do to another person in your brain in order to retaliate or seek revenge, to employ one of the four horsemen? You have to make them flat. Years ago, there was a children's book called Flat Stanley.

We'll put an image up here. Loved Flat Stanley personally. So Flat Stanley is a story of a little boy who one night while he's asleep, a heavy bulletin board falls on his bed and crushes him. And miraculously, he survives, but with different dimensions. Now he's four feet tall, a foot wide, and half an inch thick. And he finds all kinds of great uses for this. He can make himself into a kite. He can be folded up in an envelope and travel overseas. He could go under doors. It's a funny story. I highly recommend it. And it's funny as a kid's book, but it's devastating in our relationships because this is what we do to other people.

I'm three dimensional. You're two dimensional. I am nuanced and complicated. You're Flat Stanley. There's not much to you. Not much nuance or complexity. I had all kinds of reasons why I did what I did. You didn't. You're simplistic and foolish. You're an idiot. That's what we do. We flatten other people in conflict. And retaliation, revenge means that you have to flatten someone.

This is where the gospel can break the cycle of vengeance. This is how this works. When Paul says this rightly belongs to God, he's not saying, hey, no big deal that you got hurt. No big deal that there's a conflict. No big deal that that person was evil in how they acted to you. What we're saying is: you're not qualified to climb up into the judgment seat of God. You're not qualified.

One of the reasons we can let go of bitterness is when we realize that justice will happen. One of the reasons we don't is because we're afraid it will never happen. But Christians know this: Two things. Jesus paid for sin. He satisfied justice for wrongdoing. Sins that were against one another are loaded onto him, and his death was the payment for that. There was a just punishment for those sins. And if those sins were not paid for by Jesus—in other words, those sins have not been confessed and taken to the Lord—there will be a judgment day at the end of history. God will make things right, either through the cross of Christ or through the judgment day at the end of history. This is why Christians can say, I'm not qualified to do this. I can step away from the judgment seat. I don't have to make you into Flat Stanley because justice will happen. Things will be made right.

And then let's apply this to ourselves. This is what's fascinating. Notice the tenderness of Paul's language here. Verse 19.

Beloved, never avenge yourselves. Leave this to the wrath of God. — Romans 12:19

It is really hard to seek revenge for somebody else when you're in a state of feeling like, I know deep down that I am adored and loved. One of the words that I hope you begin to apply to your life is beloved of God. We don't use that word much. This is how God relates to us as his children—beloved. And this is why we can say, I don't have to do this. I can walk away.

Peacemaking in Action

So peacemaking involves humility, involves refusing retaliation, and finally, overcomes evil with good. It is not conquered by evil, but conquers evil with good. This is verses twenty and twenty-one.

If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he's thirsty, give him something to drink. — Romans 12:20-21

Paul moves from okay, not retaliation to something radical: active grace. Active graciousness for other people. Because Christian peacemaking is not just, I'm going to agree not to hurt you this week. It's actually, I'm going to seek your good. I'm going to seek your blessing. And this is truly radical because our world only understands tribal love. Love for people who are on my side. Love for people who are on my team. But Jesus calls us to a nature of love with one another that is active, that is gracious, that moves toward those who have wronged us in such a way that it undoes. It's an overcoming kind of love. It's a conquering love.

That word there says: don't be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good. That's a military term. Paul is saying this: when you give in to retaliation, when you flatten another person in your heart, you are conquered. You are already defeated. When you refuse that and move toward another person in active grace, in active care for them, you're actually overcoming. You're winning. There is an active victory on God's behalf. That's what's happening.

These are the essential elements of peacemaking. So they are: humility, refusing retaliation, and overcoming evil with good.

The Limits of Peacemaking

But I need to say something about the limits. Because you may hear this message today and feel like you've just had an enormous 16-wheel, 18-wheeler truck put on your shoulders this morning. Because this passage also says there are limits to this.

Did you notice that the first part of this says:

If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. — Romans 12:18

So we're both on the hook, and now this kind of takes us off the hook. If the first point is you, only you can do what you can do.

The second point is you can only do what you can do. You can't make another person repent. No one can make another person change. And Paul qualifies this twice so we really get it.

If possible... As long as it depends on you.

God measures us in terms of our faithfulness, not in terms of our fixing. One writer puts it this way with an image of concentric circles. Paul Tripp describes this as two circles of the Christian life. The inner circle is the circle of responsibility. The outer one is the circle of concern.

He says you can summarize the Christian life this way: trust and obey. In the inner circle, there are things that God has called you to do, to obey. In a conflict, to not seek retaliation, to pursue humility, to pursue personal love, active grace, overcoming evil. But you can only do so much. At the end of the day, you cannot make another person respond to you.

That conflict then moves from the inner circle—the one about obeying—to the outer circle, trusting. I have to trust God. I've done what only I can do. I've done as much as I can do. I can't make this person respond to my calls. I can't make this person sit down with me. I can't make this person have a conversation.

I really want to make sure you hear this this morning because some of you are in a place where you're thinking, I've done all kinds of stuff in this relationship. You're in a place this morning of laying this, friends, at the Lord's feet. Lord, I can only do what I can do. I'm giving this back to you. This is great news for the overresponsible, which is our church. Overly responsible people. They're like, I gotta fix it. So on the hook, off the hook, off the chain.

God's Promises in Peacemaking

Jesus said this in the Sermon on the Mount:

Blessed are the peacemakers.

There are all kinds of promises that God makes to us personally and actively when we pursue peace. God not only promises peace to his people—think of the verse from Philippians. The peace of God will guard your hearts and your minds. Such a great promise to us. But he expects us to allow peace and peacemaking to characterize our relationships with one another. He commands us:

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts since as members of one body, you were called to peace.

We're called to exercise this. Then he attaches blessing to us as we pursue peace:

The God of peace will be with you.

And not only will he be with you, but he will bless you as you pursue peace. Because as Jesus says, blessed are the peacemakers.

Now Jesus in saying that is quoting from the book of Proverbs because this has been Genesis to Revelation—this is the heart of God making peace. Peace between us and God, peace with one another. And the cross gives us the motto and the power.

Jesus on the cross prays over his enemies:

Father, forgive them. They don't know what they're doing.

Only the transforming power of the gospel allows us to do this.

A Story of Redemption

Let me say this by way of closing. There's a movie from twenty years ago called Blood Diamond, and it's about the diamond trade in Africa. It portrays multiple people in the diamond trade industry, from some at the top of the food chain to some at the very bottom.

In particular, it highlights one family in Sierra Leone at the bottom of the food chain: Solomon Vandy, his wife, and his kids. Vandy is a worker in mining for diamonds, and one day he discovers an extra large, unbelievably rare pink diamond, and he hides it. What comes from that is things spin out of control, and their family gets sucked up into a revolution happening in Sierra Leone, all about the diamond trade and power.

Vandy's own son, Dia, is captured by the Revolutionary United Front and taken off as a child soldier to fight in the civil war. For the rest of the movie, Solomon tries to find his son, almost getting killed over and over again. When he finally finds Dia, to his horror, Dia has an assault rifle and he aims it at his dad. It's like he doesn't recognize his own dad. He's ready to pull the trigger. Dia has been so brainwashed, he's become a child soldier and he's forgotten who he is.

And this is what Solomon says to him:

Dia, what are you doing? Dia, look at me. What are you doing? You are Dia Vandy of the proud Mindy tribe. You're a good boy who loves soccer and school. Your mother loves you so much. She waits by the fire making plantains and red palm oil stew, and with your sister Yanda and the new baby.

The cow waits for you and Babu, the wild dog who minds no one but you. I know they made you do bad things, but you are not a bad boy. I am your father who loves you, and you will come home with me and be my son again.

Dia lowers his weapon and collapses into his father.

Brothers and sisters, in a similar way, life in this world makes us hard. There are ways that you have been brainwashed, like a child soldier, and you're ready to fire at anybody. And there are people who you used to call family that you would lay into, people that you used to call friends that you would shoot.

We think we have to be right. We have to criticize. We have to show contempt. We have to stonewall. We have to be defensive. We have learned too much the lessons of war. Life in this world makes us blind and violent, and not to mention the heart inside of us that's filled with pride.

Our father comes to us. We aim the rifle at him even as he reminds us who we are. We are his, made for him, made to live in his peace, made to live out his peace with one another.

It's like he's saying this to us, and I'll put this in Solomon's words: I am your father who loves you, and you will come home and be my child again. Lay down your weapons, beloved of God. Practice war no more.

Let's pray together.

Father, we thank you for the cross of Jesus Christ that tells us that we have peace with God. And that is such a rich and deep truth that he has made a way where there was no way for those who were formerly his enemies to be called his family. And yet, Lord, we still act like child soldiers.

Father, there are relationships that each of us have that are hard for us to think about. Some of those are people we live with right now. Some of those are people we haven't spoken to in years. Lord, we want to experience in a fresh way the blessing of what it means to live in your peace. Help us today to take steps in making peace.

Father, would you use us? Would you help us to let go of our anger and our hurt? Lord, we give them back to you this morning. Have your way among us. We pray this in Christ's name. Amen.

Would you stand and sing together?