Married Like Jesus -- Cultivate Unity

Father, we thank you for this, the Lord's day. A day for us, like Easter Sunday last week, to remember the good news that's above all good news—that Jesus is resurrected from the dead. Lord, we pray today as we gather in your name that you would meet each of us. Lord, we believe that your spirit is powerful and active among your people, and so Lord, we look to you.

We bring to you this morning our hurts and our worries, our fears—the things that we are carrying around with us. Lord, we thank you that you tell us to cast all those things upon you. So Father, we come this morning.

We pray for those who are sick and struggling, those who are dealing with bad doctor's reports, those who are facing difficulties in intimate relationships with the people they love and care about the most. Lord, we pray for those who are struggling with the return to school for their kids and for those kids who are struggling, for our college students who've had to figure out life on campus for a year now. And Lord, we pray Father that you would just meet us.

Lord, we come to you weak and needy this morning. We pray, Father, some of us come excited to be here. Some of us come really as a last ditch attempt, Lord, to connect with you. And Lord, however we come, Lord, we pray that we would find your spirit powerful and at work among us. Lord, meet us as we come this morning in Jesus' name. Amen.

Introducing the Series

A couple words before we read the scripture together this morning as we're launching a new series. Here it goes: Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today. Marriage, that blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream, and love, true love, will follow you forever. So treasure your love.

Okay, some of y'all are laughing and you obviously recognize that as not my words but the words of the priest from The Princess Bride at the marriage of Buttercup and Prince Humperdinck, right? Remember that? Okay. But that is the theme of our next sermon series: Marriage is what brings us together today.

So that's where we're going. I'm starting a series called Married Like Jesus. It was supposed to be done a year ago, and something—I don't remember what—kind of got derailed. A lot of things about a year ago did. So it's been put on hold. We did a series last year called Single Like Jesus, and just like that, this series is for the whole of our church.

A couple caveats before I jump in and before we read this passage: Why a sermon on marriage?

Well, easily, marriage is hard. I think that's why nationally, rates of cohabitation are going up while rates of marriage are going down. A lot of people think, "Hey, maybe we should test drive this." And ironically, there is nothing you can do to destroy a relationship besides moving in together without a covenant bond. That's been shown over and over again in studies nationally. Marriage is an institution we need to guard and not discard. It's God's idea. It really matters.

Second, because marriage is such an important theme of the Bible. God calls his people the bride of Christ. That's why we're calling this Married Like Jesus—that's sort of a pun on Jesus married to his people, Jesus united to us. And marriage shows us something about who God is. This is why, sadly, we have a very confused culture about marriage in our country today, because the government—the US government—should never have gotten involved in defining marriage. It's God's idea. It comes from his word. And so when you have a country where the civil magistrate can pronounce a marriage, when you give tax benefits to married filing jointly, it just makes it really confusing as to what God really intended this to be.

And so this is really important. We want to reclaim some of that.

Third, COVID-19 has been so hard on marriages. I've talked to counselors, and that's true in every other area of life too, right? This is not unique to marriage. It's businesses and relationships, churches, singles, kids. I mean, it's hard in everything. But I've talked to lots of counselors who have incredibly packed schedules because of the amount of stress COVID-19 has put on marriages.

But I just want to say this too: This is not a series just for married people. This is a series for the whole church because we're going to focus on not just marriage but really all relationships. This is a series about relationships. In fact, only one of the seven sermons we're doing about this will be explicitly and only about marriage. Every other week will be focused on relationships.

This is why we're going through not just Ephesians 5, a little section from verses 22 to 31, but Ephesians 4, 5, and 6. Because that section of Ephesians is all about how we live out the gospel in our relationships.

I took this from another pastor and counselor, Tim Lane, but he says that most marriage problems are not Ephesians five problems. They're Ephesians four problems, and that's why we're starting here.

So look, if you're married, there will be plenty of applications for you. If you are not married, there will be plenty of applications for you as well. And finally, I want to say this: I am no marriage expert. You know, a lot of times when a pastor speaks with conviction and authority, people assume you must know a lot about this and be really good at marriage and be able to really fix my marriage. To be really honest, I'm not that great at marriage. We've been married for almost twenty-seven years, and really the credit for that goes to the grace of God and the patience of Susan—a lot more than "Jeff knows what he's talking about here," okay? So I just want to say that upfront.

Let's read together from Ephesians 4:1-16. This is printed in your bulletin and also up on the screen. Let's read this aloud together.

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called. With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one spirit, just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call. One Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. Therefore it says, "When he ascended on high, he led a host of captives and he gave gifts to men." In saying "he ascended," what does it mean but that he had also descended into the lower regions, the earth? He who descended is the one who also ascended far above the heavens that he might fill all things. And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness and deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, which part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. — Ephesians 4:1-16

Father, I pray that the words of my mouth and the meditations of all of our hearts would be pleasing and acceptable in your sight. Lord, you are our rock and our fortress and our redeemer. It's in the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

As I said just a moment ago, the reason we're starting here is that most marriage problems, most relationship problems, are not Ephesians five problems but Ephesians four problems. You know, most problems in marriage are not about needing to know God's blueprint for marriage or needing more information about how God designed marriage. What's funny in Reformed circles is that we think we need more information all the time. Now, information is great, but sometimes I think that particularly Reformed Christians or Presbyterians think that information equals transformation. But let's test drive that for a moment. Is that true?

I mean, if information equals transformation, we would all be a lot richer and a lot thinner, right? We all know there are foods we shouldn't eat, but we do. We know we should exercise more, but we don't. We know we should spend less, but we still do. We know we should save more, but we don't, right? Information doesn't always mean transformation.

Knowing all about the biblical structure of marriage—that's great, and there are lots of great authors who've treated that before, and you can go read their books. But I want to focus more principally on relationship problems, because Paul is addressing all kinds of relationship problems in the body of Christ in Ephesus, and all of those apply both in the body and also in a marriage. We're going to look at both of those. So for some of you, you can think about applying this directly in your marriage. For others, you need to think about how you're applying this in your relationships in the church, in the body of Christ.

Here's my outline for this morning. If you take notes: two Fs, two Ps. The foundation, the fight, the power, and the practice. And our focus this morning is on unity. This passage is all about unity. It's all about the unity between Christ and his people.

The Foundation of Unity: The Spirit

It's all about the unity of the way that God leads his church and it's a call to unity for us with one another. Look first here at verse three. The foundation for unity is the spirit. In both marriage and in the body of Christ, the church, the foundation of our unity is the unity of the spirit. That's the foundation. In the church, it's God's work that binds people together.

Now, we didn't start with chapter two or chapter one. So I'm going to just tell you what Paul says here about how our unity comes about. He says we all used to be aliens and strangers. Alienated from the Commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope without God in the world. And then Christ comes. This is what he says: Christ comes together. In Christ Jesus, you who are once far off have been brought near. You've been brought near by the blood of Christ. He himself is our peace who brings together, tears down the walls between us.

This is from the message—a paraphrase but so good. Christ brought us together through his death on the cross. The cross got us to embrace and that was the end of the hostility. Through him, we both share the same spirit and have equal access to the father. This is the unity that is given to the church. Purchased by the blood of Jesus, now cemented to you by the Holy Spirit.

You know what a tuning fork is? I tried to borrow a tuning fork for this sermon today. I couldn't find anybody who owned a tuning fork. Does anybody own a tuning fork anymore? Okay, couple of y'all. A tuning fork is this little metal thing. You bang it and you put it on a piece of wood that's especially hollow, like a piano. You put it on a piano or a guitar and it goes, right, like it plays a tone and you can tune to it.

Now, I want you to think about this. A tuning fork only plays one note. Always the same note. And so a lot of times you could take a tuning fork, bang it, tune this piano, and that piano, and that piano, that piano, and that piano, and all the little pianos in this room. And because they're all tuned to the tuning fork, they're also tuned to each other. This is what Christ gives us by tuning us to him. He makes us right with God and this is what purchases unity in the body of Christ. This is what makes for unity in the church.

Unity Without Uniformity

But notice, even in this passage, unity never means uniformity. Unity being one doesn't mean we're all the same. Do you notice in verses seven through eleven? Paul says there's an array of gifts that are given to the church. All kinds of different gifts. God sprinkles them out so that we might all use them for the building up. He talks about Christ being the head of the body and every joint and ligament. When it's equipped with each part working properly, it makes it grow so that it builds itself up. Some of you are like finger joints and some of you are knee joints, but he's saying all those join together. That's our unity. A unity without uniformity.

That unity without uniformity is also what we see as a pattern for marriage. Two different become one. What do we read in the first pages of Genesis about the first couple and the first marriage? The two become one.

The two become one flesh. — Genesis

We're going to read this in the next chapter, in chapter five. Paul cites it again. He says the two become one flesh. In fact, that statement is repeated four times. Once in the Old Testament, three times in the New Testament. This is really held up for us. To become one. Unity without uniformity.

And it's not talking about sex. I mean, yes, it extends to that. It's talking about a deeper soul unity that God designs in marriage. Paul tacks a little statement on that in Ephesians five. He says, this is mystery. This is profound. That God does this. Become one. It's a sacred union, starts in a moment, lasts forever. It's about unity.

Now, I do a ton of weddings. I have done a ton of weddings, especially in our church in Philly. Here we do a ton of baptisms, right? You all think church growth is having more babies, but listen, I get the best seat in the house for doing weddings. This is a perfectly designed building for doing a wedding. Nice center aisle, little stage up here. I'm always the guy right here and there's a groom right here, okay, waiting for her to come down the aisle. And I love doing weddings. It never gets old. And here's why. Most of it is routine, you know, but we get to the vows and it almost takes my breath away. It never gets old for me.

I watched two people make a lifetime promise and I gotta tell you as a pastor, it feels like the veil between Earth and heaven is really thin at that moment. It is something incredible to become one and the spirit is the foundation for the unity. The unity of the church, the unity in a marriage, both of those are given, created by the Lord. And yet, even though that's our foundation, there's also a fight. There's a fight for unity.

But the unity that Paul speaks of is not something that we create but it is something we're called to maintain. Look at verse three:

Eager to maintain the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. — Ephesians 4:3

The gospel creates the unity but when we lose the unity between one another, that's because we have failed to maintain it. I honestly think that the ESV is a little bit weak on this. I like that Brian used the NIV translation in our call to worship this morning. The NIV translates it this way: "Make every effort, every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace." I like that. It captures the urgency to this. There's a fire that's necessary for unity.

The Greek word there, make every effort, means to strive earnestly and eagerly and diligently. It's the word that a trainer of gladiators would use in sending the gladiators out to fight in the coliseum. It's like "make every effort to stay alive out there today." You hear that urgency? That fight?

The Cost of Maintaining Unity

I think too often, both in the body of Christ and in our marriages, we assume that the unity will just sort of take care of itself. It's sort of magic dust created by God, so it's just going to take care of itself. But you would never treat your car or your house that way.

I mean, you have a car and it takes a lot of money and effort to keep a car going. You're regularly changing the oil and the brake pads and the tires. My older kids think a car—you pay for it once and you're done. No, you pay for it all the time. Same thing with a house. Constantly appliances break and things need to be painted and there's a leak. All those little things that make up maintaining your house and your car. And yet we don't treat our relationships the same way. Not even close.

I'm surprised sometimes when I meet with a couple and I find out they have done nothing over years to maintain their marriage. There's no evidence of reading a marriage book together, going on a marriage retreat, going to counseling. We view counseling in our church as really helpful and normal. You do maintenance on your car. Why wouldn't you do maintenance on your marriage?

What I find is a lot of people seem to think this unity that happens in the moment when I'm upfront with a couple and they're making vows is somehow just magic. But listen to Paul. He's so realistic here. This is given by the spirit. And yet, we have to fight for this. We have to work to maintain this. It's both a mystery and it's a fight.

The Question for Us

Unity is, both in the body of Christ and in a marriage, something we must be eager to maintain. This is a question: Are you eager to maintain the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace? Are you fighting like a gladiator for that?

Your priorities will say whether that's true or not. How you spend your time? What you worry about? What preoccupies most of your thinking?

We're all familiar with the problems of unity on a team. You see a team going and you're like, this team should kill it in the championships this year. They've got all the players and yet no ring. Why? No unity. Or you see couples and you're like, man, he's great, she's great, why doesn't this work? There's no fight for unity. Or you see churches where you're like, man, great pastor, awesome programs, killer building and bus. And then you're like, why isn't this working? No unity. This is so essential. This matters so much.

Common Obstacles to Unity

I spoke to a counselor recently about what she's seeing in marriages here in Raleigh. She divided them up into two groups: sins and sufferings.

Here are the sins:

• Thinking of my own needs more than the needs of another person
• Entitlement
• Lukewarm enthusiasm for the growth of the marriage
• Putting things like career, children, or friends before Christ in the marriage
• Trying to make the marriage their savior and supplier of all their needs
• Addictions, alcohol, drug usage, pornography

I'm going to call out this one as your pastor. Pornography is never going to help your sex life. That's poison.

• Not carrying or sharing the load of life

And she described these as sufferings.

Anxiety, depression of a spouse. Parenting challenges with semi-adult children, watching kids make choices you don't agree with, witnessing their sanctification, physical health challenges, caring for aging parents, losses of all kinds—losses of job or losses of significant people that you love, death of family members, other griefs. In light of all those hardships, sins, and sufferings, doesn't it make sense that we would really need to work to maintain unity? You gotta fight for this like a gladiator.

So let me ask this: If I were to run the diagnostics on your marriage right now—like you came over and they plug in your car to the little reader because the check engine light's gone on—would that be a used car I want to buy? Is there a fight for unity? If I were to run the diagnostics on our church, on our relationships in the body of Christ, are we fighting for unity? Are we working for this?

Power for Unity

Here's the great thing that I want to tell you. One of the secrets that I want to pass on is this: even if only one person in a relationship is willing to fight for unity, that can go a long way. Even if only one person is like, "Yeah, I'm all about this." That can go a long way. Of course, it's amazing when two people are both like, "We're going to fight for unity. We're going to strive to make sure that we're on the same page, that we're understanding one another." That's like an exponential explosion of numbers, right? But there's even better news.

The power for unity comes from the Spirit. The Spirit is the foundation for unity. The Spirit is also the power for unity. Every time I perform a marriage between two Christians, I tell them this: the Spirit of God is more committed to this relationship than you are.

I love performing weddings for young people because let's be honest, you're really dumb. You just don't know. People with a little bit more mileage under their belt, they're like, "I know. Life's kind of hard." Young people are like, "This is going to be great. Everything's going to work out like a Disney movie." But I love that because the only one in this whole wedding event who knows how hard it's going to be and knows the deep flaws of both of these people is the Spirit of God. The Holy Spirit knows that and is still like, "Hey, marriage after the Fall is still God's plan A. He still thinks it's a great idea." He's designed it. He's the manufacturer and He is still into this for fallen people. So I can say with confidence: God is more into your marriage and the unity of your marriage than even you are. That is a great hope.

But here's my thing: you have to make room for Him to work. You need to create space for Him to work. How do you access the power of God, the Spirit, to maintain unity and build unity in your marriage?

Let me give you a vision for this. Do you know the difference between a thermometer and a thermostat? Both of them have to do with temperatures. A thermometer reacts. It tells you what temperature the room is. But what does a thermostat do? It changes the temperature, right? It's the little box on the wall that you fight over because the thermostat can change the temperature.

I think that many of us are decent thermometers of our relationships. We can react. We can tell you how this is going. We're good at reading that. But we don't know how to be thermostats. We don't know how to change the temperature, how to make space for the Spirit to work in our relationships.

Listen again, Paul shows us in verses one through three:

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. — Ephesians 4:1-3

Unity is built in a relationship by these four gospel virtues that come from the Spirit. I'm stealing this from Elliot Grudem, who's in the back here. He did this for a marriage retreat for our elders. These four things: humility, gentleness, patience, and bearing with one another.

Humility is to focus on our sin more than we focus on the sin of the other person in the relationship. It's seeing that as the bigger deal—my sin.

Do you hold your spouse to a higher standard than you do? I think the answer for all of us should be: yeah, right? That's natural. That's what we expect in all of our relationships. You get a pass, they're on the hook. But humility says, I'm the problem.

This is one of the big nuggets from Tim Keller's book, The Meaning of Marriage. He says the key to a great marriage is when you see yourself as the biggest problem. The biggest sinner, the biggest issue in your marriage. That's humility in action. That's humility lived out. And that kind of humility changes the temperature.

Gentleness. Gentleness is not what we often think of it as. It's not weakness. Gentleness is strength applied in a very focused way for the empowerment and building up of another. Gentleness is controlled strength. The question for us: are you using your efforts and strength for the building up and empowering of the other?

Patience. Patience means you place the needs of others before yourself. You don't have your agenda for the other person. You're saying, what is God doing in you? How can I help you? How can I come alongside you? How can I forbear with you?

Forbearing love. This is demonstrated when you're annoyed—either by being sinned against or with the other person's habits. When you are sinned against, how do you respond? Are you quick to wall yourself up? Or is there a sense of like, I need to hear what you have to say. I need to really enter into what's going on here. I need to understand what's happening inside of you.

How do you respond to the quirks and annoying habits of your spouse that aren't sinful but are just part of their personality? Do you forbear in love? Are you kind? Someone who shows forth forbearing love is gentle and patient and humble—all of the above—when you're provoked.

The good news of all these gospel virtues is that three out of four of them are described for us as fruit of the Spirit. Forbearing love, patience, gentleness, and humility is one of the great marks of what the Spirit brings in us when we have conviction of sin. These are all works of the Spirit in God's people.

One of the great things you can do is if you find yourself this morning feeling foolish and lacking and struggling: one of the great prayers is, "Spirit, help me. I see these things. Grow in me. Grow these gospel virtues, Lord. I want to see the temperature change. I want to become more of a person who in our regular interactions, in our marriage, in our relationships, in the body of Christ is able to change the temperature and not just react. Not just be able to tell you what the temperature is, but actually change the temperature in the room."

The Practice of Unity

I want this series to be incredibly practical, so I'm going to give you a tool every week—an application point every week. Here's my week one tool: the weekly meeting.

Susan and I teach this every time we do premarital counseling. I don't know how many couples actually do this, but it really matters. It really matters. If you would do this, it will change your relationships. You'll start acting like a thermostat. It gives room for the Spirit of God to work in your relationship.

The weekly meeting is not date night. It's not romantic. There shouldn't be a TV on. You really don't want alcohol during this. This is a time where you need a clear head and to be able to listen intently. Kids are not part of this. There's not a meeting that you're up against. This needs to be an open time every week.

Here's the meeting. The meeting is a clearing house event. You're going to do two things: you're going to ask questions and you're going to listen. You're going to ask questions and not anticipate what the other person's going to say. Not fill in the sentences. You're just going to listen. Ask questions without interrupting.

I'm getting this from the author and counselor, the late David Powhelson. He called these Conversations of Consequence. I just call them the weekly meeting. Write these down. I'm going to give you six things to ask.

Number one: What brought you joy this week? What do you delight in?

Number two: Where are you struggling? That can be burdens that you're carrying, things you're anxious about, fears, your pressure points. Where are you struggling?

Number three: What's one specific thing I can do for you this week?

Number four: What's one specific way I can pray for you this week?

Number five: Is there anything unresolved that we need to, that I need to confess, that we need to confess and resolve?

And finally, is there something that you're dreaming about or desiring? Hopes you have for the future? Let me read those again:

1. What brought you joy this week?
2. Where are you struggling?
3. What's one specific thing I can do for you this week?
4. How can I pray for you? Once, one specific way I can pray for you this week.
5. Is there anything unresolved that we need to confess and resolve?
6. Is there something you're dreaming or desiring, hoping for the future?

And then here's part three. This is a really crazy one: You pray out loud, both of you together, for your unity.

And then once a month, you should also talk as a couple about the stewarding of your finances and about your sex life. I don't think anybody does this. It'd make a world of difference if you did. Create space for the spirit of God to work in your relationship.

By the way, this isn't just marriage mojo for you, special sauce. You could do this in every relationship. You have a good friend you meet with and go on walks with? This is going to deepen your relationship.

Unity Like Scissors

You know, by way of closing, I want to say this: unity for us is like a pair of scissors. You know what's funny about scissors? Nobody describes this as a scissor. I don't know why. I've never thought about that before this week. Nobody describes this as a scissor. You don't have a scissor in your house. In fact, if you took it apart and had one scissor, that would just be a really dumb knife, right? Like a dumb knife with a weird handle.

But it's a pair of scissors. And the reason that scissors work is that they work pulling against each other with this one point of axis between them. This one place of unity. They're not the same—two different handles. This is what distinguishes right-hand scissors from left-hand scissors. But the reason that they work is that they pull against each other. There's a unity and a functionality to these working together.

This is my prayer for all of our relationships: that when we are people who understand or are moving toward unity, there are things that are able to be created, right? Things that are beautiful because of what's happening in our relationships. There are things that, because we're discovering the unity that God has for us and we're fighting for it, are made out of that in our lives and in our world because we're opening ourselves up to that.

Let's pray together. Father, we need your power at work among us. Lord, we're deeply convicted of the ways that this is not true in our lives. We pray, Father, you would give us hope today in your Spirit's power at work within each of us. That you're able to change us from the inside out. We pray this in Christ's name. Amen.